I am really sorry, I will not be posting that big long blog post after all. I really did intend to, but it got to the point where I broke it up into two and probably would have ended up being three because so much has happened. I also felt it was more nitty-gritty than I would like to put up here. So I am going to try and just sum up as best as I can.
Dylan and I are breaking up. He really decided it was what he wanted just over two weeks ago. He has felt he has not had enough space for a long time and that he doesn't love me anymore for a little while. After the initial telling me, he gave me some mixed signals as to whether he wanted to stay together. So for the first week and a half, I was considering us more of being on a break or separated for a while. Not sure how long it would last or trying to push to get back together, but not completely broken up.
After spending Spring Break apart, Dylan came back from visiting friends last Saturday. We talked a lot that day and the next. He was great about sitting and listening and trying to answer all of my questions and concerns. However it wasn't until going through the tension of being in the apartment over the weekend and seeing the way he was acting that it hit me. We are actually breaking up, what we had is completely over. So I have been dealing with that all week. At first I was crazy emotional and did not know how to deal with it. (I still don't completely, but I am accepting.) I have calmed down a bit. I went to the school Counseling Center and I think talking to someone completely outside my network helped. It did make me see how much I have relied on him and asked of him. I apologized to him for it.
Dylan is leaving for a conference on Sunday for all of next week. I will be staying in the apartment until then to take care of the cats and what not. After that I will be moving in with my parents and commuting. *i'm so freaking happy about that* NOT. But I know we can't try to live together, it will only drive us both crazy. I know I will find a way through too.
I'm kind of hoping after the semester ends, we've had time apart, stress levels have subsided, that we can try to hang out, go on trial dates, and see if the spark will come back. I am preparing as if that won't happen though, because other wise I won't feel like I am doing right by me or being independent.
Other really crappy things: my laptop, Flo, died, at least her hard drive did. I will be shipping her out today or tomorrow to get fixed. Thank god for warranties. Going two weeks without it will be hell on earth though! My life runs through Flo and I won't be able to bum time on Dylan's. Yesterday when I came on campus to use the computer and do things, the whole campus network went down for hours. I swear I feel like it was my fault, so many bad things have been happening around me, it's like the deity pissed at me wanted to *make absolutely sure* I have a difficult time with as many things as possible.
If I make it through this semester, I am going to feel like a freaking *RockStar* because this has been the worst academic, mental, emotional, everything semester. And yes the being a rock star is a Grey's Anatomy reference.
Now to go hide the chocolate.
Peace!
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