not a magic moment

I'm sitting in the bookstore, right this very moment, and I wish more than anything that time would stop.

There is no magic here though, no romantic gesture that I wish to savor. There is just a sort of harmony here with the cafe, noise but still quiet, natural and artificial lights, comfort and utility. No one here wants anything from me.

My world stopped at the door and here I have found peace.

The beating of my heart slows and the traffic in my head disappears. The constant chiming of deadlines and promises are silenced.

I can simply sit and be.

step by step

I am really sorry, I will not be posting that big long blog post after all. I really did intend to, but it got to the point where I broke it up into two and probably would have ended up being three because so much has happened. I also felt it was more nitty-gritty than I would like to put up here. So I am going to try and just sum up as best as I can.

Dylan and I are breaking up. He really decided it was what he wanted just over two weeks ago. He has felt he has not had enough space for a long time and that he doesn't love me anymore for a little while. After the initial telling me, he gave me some mixed signals as to whether he wanted to stay together. So for the first week and a half, I was considering us more of being on a break or separated for a while. Not sure how long it would last or trying to push to get back together, but not completely broken up.

After spending Spring Break apart, Dylan came back from visiting friends last Saturday. We talked a lot that day and the next. He was great about sitting and listening and trying to answer all of my questions and concerns. However it wasn't until going through the tension of being in the apartment over the weekend and seeing the way he was acting that it hit me. We are actually breaking up, what we had is completely over. So I have been dealing with that all week. At first I was crazy emotional and did not know how to deal with it. (I still don't completely, but I am accepting.) I have calmed down a bit. I went to the school Counseling Center and I think talking to someone completely outside my network helped. It did make me see how much I have relied on him and asked of him. I apologized to him for it.

Dylan is leaving for a conference on Sunday for all of next week. I will be staying in the apartment until then to take care of the cats and what not. After that I will be moving in with my parents and commuting. *i'm so freaking happy about that* NOT. But I know we can't try to live together, it will only drive us both crazy. I know I will find a way through too.

I'm kind of hoping after the semester ends, we've had time apart, stress levels have subsided, that we can try to hang out, go on trial dates, and see if the spark will come back. I am preparing as if that won't happen though, because other wise I won't feel like I am doing right by me or being independent.

Other really crappy things: my laptop, Flo, died, at least her hard drive did. I will be shipping her out today or tomorrow to get fixed. Thank god for warranties. Going two weeks without it will be hell on earth though! My life runs through Flo and I won't be able to bum time on Dylan's. Yesterday when I came on campus to use the computer and do things, the whole campus network went down for hours. I swear I feel like it was my fault, so many bad things have been happening around me, it's like the deity pissed at me wanted to *make absolutely sure* I have a difficult time with as many things as possible.

If I make it through this semester, I am going to feel like a freaking *RockStar* because this has been the worst academic, mental, emotional, everything semester. And yes the being a rock star is a Grey's Anatomy reference.

Now to go hide the chocolate.
Peace!

the computer and i disagree

I have a lengthy blog post typed up. Blogger has decided that it does not want to accept me copying it from Word though. It keeps giving me html errors. I don't read html so I can not fix that and do not have the energy right now to retype it in Blogger.

Please check back soon for the real post and listen to this instead. It has been running through my head a lot lately.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pNCR3xubgU

an upbeat

Yes, I've been very quite as of late, but I was haveing a very blue period. More sad, bad things happened. It seemed like everytime even a little good thing occured some negative thing came and overshadowed it. I nearly got to the point of no return, the 'what is the point?' point, but Dylan and friends helped me keep a modicum of sanity.

School this semester is still pretty crappy, but this weekend I have something different to focus on and drive the bad things into the past. It's Megacon weekend! Dylan took me to my first convention and hooked me on it among other things. This is my third Megacon. Previously we have gone and met people from Andromeda and Joe Quesada, among others and other things. I love the hustle and bustle, the confident people not afraid to show off their love of things that are not necessarily 'popular', the atmosphere, and everything.

I am a little disappointed by this year's media guests. There is a heavy emphasis on Battle Star Gallatica, which I don't watch. I think that this could be a good thing though, because it will free me up to explore more side events. I want to try out the free minature painting classes and the indie film festival.

The other super happy part, we're staying in a hotel! We have learned a bit from past years that it is difficult to get up early to drive out to the Orange County Convention Center, find parking, and trek to the hall. It makes us a little grumpy for the first few hours. So for Dylan's birthday I paid for one hotel night and he paid for the second for our 3rd anniversary, which was this past Tuesday. I know we won't be spending lots of time at the hotel, but it still has me psyched. To be out of the apartment, away from cleaning, dishes, and desks, away from that mind set, feels like a relief. I still have to do homework this weekend though. My goal is to have fun and read about social interaction theory for Monday's class. If I am a really good time manager and productive I will also do some reading for statistics, but that is probably pushing it.

Hooray for mini-semi-vacation!! Watch for pictures of cos players and BSG stars and who knows what else!

year of the ox, oh joy

In Chinese astrology, I am a Tiger. Roar! The Chinese New Year took place the other day, so I looked up my horoscope for the year. The outlook is less than spectacular, a hunker down and bear through sort of year I think. It has certainly started that way.

Last week I had a mini crisis-breakdown about finding my way from graduate school to my career. This past weekend I had a killer stomach virus. My stomach is still healing; relegated to soft simple foods. The homework for this week's classes has been out of my grasp. I had a short paper due yesterday. I wrote in circles for hours and could not get it done on time. Today I thought my luck would start to change. I got the haircut I have been waiting for two months to get. Highlights, lowlights, wash, blow dry. I could not ask for more. Then I got the news that my sister's boyfriend beat her up when she tried to break up with him.

To say the least I was utterly shocked and surprised. My sister, beautiful and confident. Picturing her in my mind with bruises, arm in a sling, never mind her mental state.

I don't know what to do. I know to comfort her and let her know she has support. (Bastard is changing his story around, claiming she fell, then it was self-defense.) She will probably come stay with me a few days when she done dealing with the police and what-not. What I am having trouble with is the urge for revenge. I really want to find him and exact revenge personally. I also believe in government and law and systems. I am pleased to know he has already been arrested and they are preparing charges and going through the legal processes and procedures. I would be happy to let him go through the legal system and get his due. But still my mind wanders away from that.

So this is what the year of the ox is bringing me right now. For now I am a tiger licking it's wounds, mulling what has happened and healing, but I am also preparing for the next phase. My sister and I will regroup.

gemini temperature war

I'm a Gemini and as such double sided on a great many things. My current battle is the weather. I love winter and the cold. Since I live in Florida, when the cold fronts finally come I throw open my windows and do happy dances. I love snuggling down under blankets to stay warm. (How weird is that? Love the cold so you can get warm under blankets? Maybe it's one of those return to the womb things. I digress.)

So my problem the last few days is my overwhelming desire to camp out on the couch with a blanket. I have trouble focusing on work at the couch. Which is why I have a desk, but the desk is currently situated in the tundra area right in front of the open window. At this point most people would probably close the window and be done with it. You don't understand!! In Florida the number of days with temperatures this low (a high of 55 today!) can usually be counted on one hand, two at most in an entire year! I vow not to waste any of them.

So what have I done? I 'borrowed' the slanket I bought Dylan for Christmas to keep warm at my desk in the tundra and a thermos of hot tea.

Now if you will excuse me I have a pile of homework to attack. Charge!

fun fact

That would be Dylan's cat Max being her exploratory self, usually she is not so stretchy and defiant of gravity though.

Random Fun Fact: When I was 12 I read my first complete classic novel, Jane Eyre. Previously I had only read children's versions. I was so proud of myself I decided I wanted to read more classics. So I got the unabridged version of David Copperfield. I have yet to finish it despite numerous attempts.

2009

This is my home desk minus a small mountain of papers that I actually got rid of! I'm so proud of myself for not holding on to them. I am such a pack rat. This apartment does not have space for pack ratting. (a new copy righted verb ;) ) Unfortuanately there is still a box of papers and random stuff hiding underneath it. :( I made a similar dent at work so I rewarded myself with a sundae.

Which I just realized I should have made my reward some video game time instead of food.

Oh well.

I'm hoping to keep up the initiative through the semester. My only really initiative over the winter break was to relax. I made my way through most of Lego Indiana Jones and the book Empress Orchid among other things. To help I am alo pushing my sleep schedule a little later. If it works, it will put more time between my night classes and bed time and make me more alert during class. Staying up until 5 AM on New Year night has helped, but I think my body and internal clock are still adjusting.

On the plus I get to watch more Daily Show and Colbert! Which is starting so . . . click___